"Is it Yours?" - A question that changed my life
“Is it yours?” - ONE question changed my life. I attended an Access Consciousness X-Men Class and it would have been so easy to go “of course it’s mine - I was sexually abused, the PTSD has to be mine!!!!” - and nothing would have changed.
Instead I chose to include my body in this question and it said “no” - this PTSD I am holding on to is not mine……… - as soon as I acknowledged this and I was willing to allow all the energies of the PTSD to show up without fighting them, everything changed. To my surprise it took courage to be present with the energy and it was easy to let it go……..
PTSD ran my life…….. I didn’t know it though……I didn’t know my childhood included so much abuse. What I remember was “normal” to me - and the rest was blacked out - and there has always been the voice in my head of “DANGER”........ everywhere.
I lived a life with so much separation of me (and my body) that only men, where I was familiar with their energy, could get remotely close to me………. - the familiar energy of sexual, verbal, emotional, religious abuse, unkindness and judgment.
Most people are only willing to receive what we are familiar with, choosing something different is stepping out of our comfort zone - and how difficult can this seem to be? Especially when PTSD is the dominant factor in your life? I married, had two children and for 14 years I wasn’t willing to be present with the verbal and emotional abuse - it was “normal” to me. What I had known all my life.
4 Years ago my life totally changed. Flashbacks of the sexual abuse started to appear. By chance I came across Access Consciousness and “The Bars” - this treatment started to unravel the abuse; memories came back. I chose to open a can of worms. It wasn’t an easy time - My head struggled to comprehend all the information, however as I continued to have my “Bars run” and using the verbal tools of Access Consciousness (I still do today), my body changed, chronic pain went, I lost weight and there was a new ease and space for me to be, yet I was not willing to start a new sexual relationship since leaving my husband 3 years ago.
PTSD still controlled my life and I couldn’t change it. I knew this was a lie. Everything is changeable and I have changed my own life by asking questions, acknowledging the energy of where I chose to limit myself and making different choices. I have changed my relationship with my kids, changed work, changed my financial situation, changed my points of view about what it means to be strong v vulnerable, changed my points of view about the abuse I experienced as a child and adult from me being a victim to everything being a contribution to my life today. “What is right about me/this I am not getting?” is one of my favourite questions to ask - and still I wasn’t willing to trust men.
Now fast forward to the recent X-men class where Access Consciousness is taking the point of view that Autism, ADHD, OCD, Bipolar etc are not a weakness but a strongness. People on the spectrum of Autism are very aware of energies and this includes other people’s thoughts, feelings and emotions and without the question “is this yours?” most of us tend to think that what we are aware of is our thoughts, feelings and emotions, when in truth most of them are not………….
When I was asked “Is this yours?” about the PTSD, I allowed myself to be 5 years old again and to be really present with the fear…….. A fear that all of a sudden was outside of me and I was in my mother’s world, where she knew the abuse was going on and she didn’t know what to do. I was aware of her fear of the consequences she perceived if anyone found out……….The clarity that came to me in the class, I had tried to help my mother trying to take the fear away from her…….. - and of course I couldn’t do that, only my mother can let go of her own fear……… as for me I could choose to let go of PTSD that wasn’t mine…….. By returning it to sender………
By asking to return the energy of the PTSD to sender it dissipated - the saying of “the weight has been lifted of my shoulders” is how I can best describe the sensation and I am so grateful for the space this has created for me to make choices I would never have made while the PTSD was running my life.
6 weeks after the X-men class I am now in a new relationship with a kind and caring man, who caresses and nurtures my body. Until recently I thought this to be impossible. The truth is, this is the first time in my life I have been willing to receive the kindness and no judgment of me and my body.
How does it get any better than this?